Hello Peru

Hey y'all, sorry for the long delay since the last post. I was feeling fucked still, with not much energy to write. Many things have happened in the last 4 months so I'll make a little update.

So, as the title for this entry says, I got a flight to my country Peru, so I'm no longer in the US. I got an approval to get a medical leave, which can last up to a year, so my PhD studies are interrupted. As I said in the last entry, I was feeling very overwhelmed and still sick in the last semester, my advisor noted my bad state and she suggested the option of a medical leave. One year into this recovery, despite the good progress I was still feeling like crap and my research was very, very lackluster. I'll be continuing my therapy here in Peru, cutting all the physics research for some time. So the mission for next year is to recover fully to dive back into physics, and then to get more convincing results such that the cure hopefully gets tested on others and becomes widespread. This will be either by posting more on the internet, or by contacting some doctor or researcher in Peru who is interested. 

I guess I have to explain a bit about this issue with my PhD. For a whole year I was waiting for the neuropathy to feel good enough to work, because my brain and body feel fucked due to the radiation, and I can't focus well. It has improved a lot as in everyday activities are not an issue anymore, but the constant radiation puts a kind of blockage to any research I want to do, or anything else that requires intense focus in general. So I've been resting it a lot the whole year. I never had a good idea of how long it'd take, more than one year was definitely ridiculous back then, I thought it was just a stupid pinched nerve that would be fixed in a month, not a full blown syndrome reversal! I'd tell a close friend at the PhD that we'd go to Las Vegas when I get cured by the end of 2021 (didn't happen), then in 2022 (also didn't happen), and now here I am all wrecked lol. It was the same with my mom who noted I was struggling the whole year, telling me I should come back home and rest but I didn't want to lose a semester. She was very happy when I decided to go back home, it was honestly the best decision.

Dealing with the surreal effects of the cure is also tough, I have to pretend the miracle is not there, but it's so distracting! Further, and this may be an equally important reason, the syndrome project in itself is so interesting, and I find so much value in it, that I lost interest in everything else, including my own PhD and physics (for the meanwhile). I find the syndrome work much more meaningful, elegant and impactful than any paper I could publish right now in Physics, specially after having a taste of the bureaucracy in academia. I doubt anything I do later in life will be as good as this (I never felt like I deserved this project, it's all just dumb luck, and this is just squats while you massage yourself). Finally, the moral dilemmas make the everyday issues of the PhD feel so meaningless. Things like if I attend classes or if the professors or the committee think good of me and such seem so irrelevant in comparison... (that's why I was a horrible PhD and a headache to my advisor lol). I think it was not fair to have a such a colossal project all on my own and on top having to do the PhD research, but it is what it is. 

The whole year, it was a bit depressing to see other people doing presentations and publishing papers faster, while I have 0 presentations and papers. Deep inside me, knowing I have this project, I don't care much about it (and I hate myself for this too, I should care!), but it still made me sad sometimes. Turns out, academia these days is very collaborative, so saying you're working on a personal project, outside of the field, and further saying it is important, is completely laughable and something you shouldn't say out loud. I tried and learned my lesson, it's something I didn't expect as I was so naïve about academia politics. Now it's so obvious, I feel stupid for having said it back then. Luckily I wasn't loud, just told very few academics and junior students (not even the whole thing but just bits, because they'd think I'm even crazier), and got dismissing responses and weird looks (with friends this is not the case, they're totally supportive!). If I let my emotions flow out I'd scream to the heavens 'The syndrome is reversible! The syndrome is reversible!' and I'd get put out in a straitjacket xD. There'll be another moment to talk about this whole academia thing in more detail I guess :p In the end due to all this (no presentations or papers, not much work nor networking and such) I got a 1 (below expectations, in a scale from 1 to 3) in my annual PhD evaluation on how much potential I have as a future scientist.

I also wanted to write about a dilemma I've had the whole year. Although it took almost a year to get to the lifting technique, once you have it, it's something that doesn't require any technology, and literally anyone in the world could do it in their rooms (although a gym is of course the ideal). The synchronization of the reflexes and rub stimulus with the lift is very tricky, but if you know what to do and with practice, it's so easy to spam. I wondered if someone else could get it even if by accident by doing some random movement, but since it hasn't happened this year or ever before, it suggests the odds of the reflexes synchronizing spontaneously (without someone consciously doing it) with a stimulus and a lift are pretty much 0. Or if anyone in the entire medical community could discover it, but none gets it yet apparently, and it's been a whole year. Is it really non-trivial? (c'mon doctors, just do a squat and show your stupid grin!). I compare this to the string theory stuff and this doesn't look that hard or technical. Or maybe that's a wrong retrospective view, because back to more than a year ago, the syndrome did seem impossible and hopeless, and it's a miracle that it can be simplified and solved so well. Then I wondered that if I spread some of the ideas behind the cure, someone else could pick up the pieces and execute the trick correctly. I was waiting for some kind of news of some random dude doing this and getting the extreme cure effects, becoming crazy and shouting "miracle! miracle!", but nothing of the sort yet. Seems I'm alone in this, even with this help. 

Even the posts I put in the internet don't cause much of a reaction. There've been only been a few suspicious comments, but to my fault, I don't answer much or well to them. The reason is that I actually told about the cure last year but the general reaction has been very adverse and I'm afraid to get bashed or ignored again. In September 2021 when I got the SNF neuropathy effects I realized it was something more serious and tried to contact some doctors, but what I did was not compatible with what they were doing. If I said "Hey, this is potentially the cure to hypermobility and neuropathy!" none says "Oh really! Let's test it, and if it works, publish it!" but rather "Sorry, we don't research the cure for hypermobility and neuropathy, rather we care about how nerves affect this specific X using method Y". At first I thought that it was the wrong group, but eventually I realized it didn't matter since all groups are researching on something similarly specific and remote, so the response would always be the same. Someone would need to really go out their way to do it. It was extremely dumbfounding, I must say! And if I try to push harder I'm just taken as a lunatic and people don't answer, great. Then I tried to tell it in an online Hypermobility group, but I was bashed for it, because hurr durr I'm not a medical professional. I posted something on r/ehlersdanlos but it has 10 likes or so (later on 100+ likes, better!). So actually it's out there already, just all buried. 

Then for academics close to me in Quantum Gravity, well, the very few who I told just dismissed it. They don't have to care about medicine after all (and honestly, I only cared about it because it's my syndrome, although now I find so much beauty in it). I tried to push it one or two times more but it only gets people irritated, and they're caught up in their own academic research and publishing papers. So there's just no way to get it through. After that I decided to not tell it ever again and just work on it silently and alone until I finish this thing. In retrospective, maybe being ignored back then was the best thing. My health situation was way worse a year ago, the body of evidence I had was of a few months, not robust enough. In comparison, the evidence I have now is much larger and better organized, and my health is much, much better, although I'm still quite sick. I know how academia is from the few interactions I've had, and I know I'll get bashed as a crackpot if I'm not well armed with evidence. I'm afraid of being bashed again, and am more cautious now.

The point is, I have to get something better. There is some good news in this respect: I took an EMG test for the arm nerves here in Peru, and the nerve conduction in the left arm ulnar is a bit below normal, much better than my previous test. There was no neuropathy or demyelization in the report conclusions. So at last this is it, nerve remyelination! Now, that moment wasn't so magical, because 1. I had already been expecting it (if my skin has been regaining sensitivity, then it's expected that the nerve is regenerating), 2. at this point I'm just tired of this endless lifting routine, and more importantly 3. my nerves are still radiating and burning (in the whole left spine, leg and arm), and have kept unpinching for a month after that test. The neuropathy is still not cured and it may take a while longer, even if the test says otherwise. So the magic was gone like a year ago already, but maybe if I had this result thrown to me back when I was desperate I would be more emotional and cry on my knees :p. Anyway, I had some good celebration with my mom, we went out to eat some good peruvian Rachi and Anticuchos. I'm really fortunate to be here for this, because peruvian food is just amazing. If I was in the US my EMG would have costed selling a liver, and I'd have celebrated eating some lame Whataburger. 

As to how I got the EMG in the first place, that's also a story worth mentioning. When I came back to Peru, I got an appointment with the same neurologist who saw me some years ago and diagnosed me with Central Sensitization. Back then I was quite concerned and all ears to what she could say, but of course this time it was much different! I only wanted the test order from her, I didn't mind the explanation and all, because I knew she'd say it's not curable and all that, and would give me some expensive (and ultimately useless) Cymbalta or Pregabalin. So at the meeting we had a conversation more or less like this:

Doctor: As I said time ago, you have Central Sensitization, which is like Fibromyalgia, but in your case affects your left side of the body, so one side of the brain mainly. You were born with a brain that sends erratic orders to your nerves and generates pain.

Me: Sorry doctor, but I think my brain is fine. I think it's just I have many pinched nerves on the left side of the body, and that could get better.

Doctor: As I said, Central Sensitization affects the brain. You were born with that brain and it'll stay like that all your life. Look *starts a drawing of the brain*, this is the hypothalamus, it receives signals from your nerves and (...). Also, I see you have hypermobility syndrome. Well, that also doesn't get fixed [Oh really!], so just don't touch it and don't do harsh exercise and you should be fine.

Me: Well, I already feel much better from the nerves and joints doc.

Doctor: I'm happy you're better, but your condition is irreversible. It's genetic. If by a miracle you could get cured, we do dance and party

Me: Oh so let's dance and party already!

Doctor: ... Here is your EMG order.

Ok, it wasn't entirely like that, because I have to also balance it a bit to look more desperate so I could get the EMG order. So I got my EMG order, it was to see the state of my left arm nerves, saying I had peripheral neuropathy on the left arm. A week later I went to take the test. For those who don't know, in an EMG test they pinch you with a needle to a specific muscle and then tell you to contract it while they read the signal that comes through the needle. It can hurt horribly, I don't think anybody loves that test. Anyway, I got both my arms pinched and then the doctor contrasted the left arm (in theory bad) with the right (healthy). When she got the numbers, she said "Hmm, this is strange. Both arms have almost the same signal... Well, whatever". Music to my ears bro, music to my ears! I was only scared that actually the right one got fucked as well, so they were equally bad. But when I received my results some days later, it showed both arms' nerves conduction were almost normal, and with no myelin damage. What I told you above. 

Ok, on another note, I have these results, but I feel frustrated that nothing can see the light of day (although it's still not enough, this needs more time). Meanwhile, so many people out there are suffering, and I wonder if this thing could work for them aswell. Sometimes this can feel dramatic, and I've cried a few times while laying at bed, feeling all these bizarre neurological symptoms, thinking of how many families are wrecked by this disease, waiting for something to come up that could save them. And wondering why, just why, this thing is so long and hard and tiring and lonely and unrecognized... but other times it feels super silly and rather comedic. There are many ways to feel about this. You know, I thought of how to make the reveal the coolest possible. The first is to do it in the internet, on some Reddit post, and not through a boring journal publication (I never got to the point of writing a scientific article anyway, a blog post is easier, and in this way I can also pull a great prank on academia and the medical industry, it'd be a lot of fun!). 

Then I wanted to choose a theme for this, but I just can't choose, there are so many good songs. When I feel the epic latino mood, I thought of a song like Saoco or El Tiburon (very dirty and chaotic), or maybe Moscow Mule for something more modern and emotional. I think most know Despacito, but that song is too soft for latinos, we have harder stuff! And this is the perfect chance to spread it :) It could also be some very peruvian thematic (Niñachay? El Cervecero? Faraon?), or maybe even a Zyzzbrah thematic. There are so many good songs, from disco, trap, even anime meme songs (indian and punjabi songs are really upbeat too! Hey Dooola Re Dooola Re...). Ultimately, maybe it's better to leave it like that and each one just bangs whatever song they like, although I tend to prefer the old reggaeton :p In any case, just remember: autoimmune it is not, much less viral, nor is it the brain: it's all tight muscles duuuuuude.

I should also talk about some other stories that happened in these months (this came so late into the post!). The first thing was a good party at a friend M's house. It was supposed to be a latino party, but there were so many indians (the friends of her indian roomies) that they filled the entire playlist with indian songs. So it was an indian party in the end, and I can't complain, indians are really upbeat and dance and drink a lot (I guess that's the reason why the majority of my friends in the US are indian). I learned their dances and it was a very fun night. Problem is, I got really drunk, the drunkest in a while. After the party, my roomie A took me on his car, and I puked there, so I had to pay him 200 bucks for the cleaning, sucks man. Also at one point of the night my glasses fell to the ground, someone stepped and them and they broke. It's the only remaining pair I had. I had two glasses, and I broke both in the same month: one in a moshpit, and now this one in this party. Now I'm blind, but since glasses are a bit expensive, I wondered if a possible myopia correction could kick in at some moment so that I don't have to waste my money. So far the bet is turning really bad and I'm still blind. 

On the visual aspect: I know I wrote in the last entry that there were first myopia effects, but that suspicion was, in retrospective, too hopeful. 4 months later, the long distance view is still pretty much the same, although I may faintly feel a bit of increased clarity (and less eye strain). I took a vision test just before leaving Austin, which showed my vision measurements are exactly the same as before coming to the US (at the worst of the neuropathy). This was dissapointing (I wondered then what all those floater things amount for?), and may suggest and idea I had way earlier. Myopia affects the general population (not just hypermobiles, obviously), so it's a phenomenon that is manifest in body structures within the normal range. It may mean that to see any improvement in myopia (if there is one), one would first have to be in the normal range (so without neuropathy), and from there, build up more muscular structure until at one point the eye muscles start being strengthened. If a normal person knew about this exercise trick and implemented it outright, we would know if this is true in very short time. But since nobody knows, I'll have to keep at this until I'm normal and check if this is indeed what happens. I suspect I'm not that far from reaching the normality threshold given my almost clear EMG, but this disease has so far always taken longer than I expected.

I finish this post with an update on the pattern of muscles activations, or any other weird stuff (you can look at this in the Excel sheet but anyway :p). First, the pattern in the spinal muscles took an unexpected turn. In the last entry I wrote that the last muscle that activated was the Multifudus, which was quite odd, because I thought the iliocostalis thoracis would be next. I thought this would be a short lapse (I thought 3 weeks as a usual cycle) and then other remaining spinal muscles would be covered, but this didn't happen. Instead, all these lasts months has been fully Multifudus strengthening, and nothing else. In other muscles, back then I was training the supraspinatus (the first rotator cuff muscle that activated) but after that, it stopped and it was mainly pecs and lats muscles that were trained. After 1 or 2 months of this (along with more Multifudus strengthening), a new RC muscle, the infraspinatus, activated, and I'm in this phase for a while now. The rhomboids were also targeted finally. I'm missing the subscapularis muscle, I have no idea when it'll fire, but I suppose there's a wide time gap for this one as well. As for nerve unpinchings, the left lumbar/glutes nerves have been unpinching a lot in the last 4 months (I feel the long "wires" from the glute all down to the foot or ankle), and still continues. It kind of sucks and seems never ending. Among the most bizarre things to happen so far, there was a lot of throat muscles (as in esophagus, and all the structure climbing up to the inner head) strengthening. When we think of training muscles, we imagine the biceps or pecs, not those very odd ones like the esophagus or say, the eye or deep skull ones. But this thing really hits it all, due to the interconnected nature of the muscular system, and no single muscle is exempted, so I guess it makes sense in that light. The feeling of those fibers climbing up the throat had such an epic feel, it'd all be good if it was not that it made me cough too frequently. Despite this strengthening, there hasn't been any effect on my voice as one could think. Face muscles also started strengthening after a lot of throat strengthening. I think there has been an strengthening of those deep hip muscles (like the piriformis) in one period, in simultaneous with the RC activations, but I'm not completely sure. 

Finally, some really cool stuffs have happened very recently, the coolest since a year ago. First, I had the first circulatory events in a very long while. I was getting frustrated that there was nothing sharply visible after the body bloodflow events of September-November 2021, for more than a year. Some weeks ago I got a red spot at my front neck, which vanished after 2 weeks or so. Then a new, stronger and bigger red spot showed at my lower chest, flowing a bit into my left core. I don't know if there will be more circulatory phenomena, but it's been my idea that something has to happen with those red cheeks I have eventually, so more should be coming (in how long, I don't know). Second, and to end this, I noticed body hair has been increasing in density mainly at my chest and back, and a few at the shoulders. At the beginning I doubted myself, so I waited, but by now the new hairs (and hair roots) are obvious and others have noted it too. This seems to suggest that the nerve entrapment also supresses hair growth, and once the neuropathy is lifted, hair grows and thickens (great news for bald people, yay!).

That's all I have for now, but these last circulatory and hair events are ongoing, so there should be more to talk about in the next entry :) Hopefully I'll update in less than 3 months next time! 

The poem for today:

Mami ven y trepate en el caballito

Quien tu eres? (Tu bizcochito!)

Es que se ese limber yo quiero un cantito

Quien tu eres? (Tu bizcochito!)

Mami ven y trepate en el caballito

Quien tu eres? (Tu bizcochito!)

Es que de ese limber yo quiero un cantito

Quien tu eres (Tu bizcochito!)

Till later :)